She had to Leave
by Tiny Q
Summary: Short little ficlette about Susan leaving Babylon 5.


Title: She had to Leave

Author: Tiny Q

E-Mail: one_legged_lesbian_seagull@hotmail.com

A/N: Wow, who would have thought that I would write a B5 fic after all this time?  I used to be a huge Susan/Marcus fan when I watched the series.  I think I read almost every fic there was, or at least I gave it a good go.  I always wanted to write one of my own but could never think up a good enough plot.  Then for some reason, the last scene with Susan and Stephen, after the whole sacrifice bit, decided to play itself through my mind at 2am, as it has a nasty tendency of doing.  And then this little snippet of a story drifted into my mind and I was forced to get it out.  So here it is, my first attempt at S/M, about five years after my obsession.

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing, though a pocket sized Kosh would be a nice thing to own...

**She had to Leave******

~*~

            She didn't know how much more of it she could take.  It had all happened so quickly and now she was left to sit and brood over it all.  To think about everything over and over in her mind until she felt she could scream and scream until it all went away.  It wouldn't go away though and she didn't know how much more of it she could take before she snapped.  How much longer she could suffer under the weight of it all.  The weight of being the one left alive.  

            The guilt of it.

            If she had had it her way she would have been dead right now, regardless of whom it hurt.  She was dead to them now anyway so it wouldn't have made as much of a difference.  Only to her would it have.  She wouldn't have been around to see the results of her passing.  But now she did, in full color.  

            And it hurt.

            If she had had it her way, he never would have hooked her up to that bloody machine.  If she had had it her way she would have shoved him away and told him to let her die in piece.  And she had _tried_.  She had tried so hard, but she couldn't move.  And it frustrated her more than anything else it the entire universe had.  

            And that was saying something.

            And then she had heard it, those three lovely and simple words she had heard so sparsely throughout her lifetime: "I love you."  He had said them to her, said them while her life was being replenished and his diminished.  It was so entirely Marcus to go that way.  To let his life go in a way that he was sure someone would remember.  And she would.  There was no way that she could ever forget him.  

            Him and his act of love.

            If she sat in the dark, away from everything and everyone she knew, sat completely isolated from the world beyond her walls, she could hear him in her head.  She didn't quite know if she was imagining it, or if she was actually hearing his thoughts.  If some part of his soul had actually been transferred into her.  But then, a part of him had been transferred into her, so why couldn't a piece of his soul have traveled as well.  Why couldn't a part of him, a part of who he really was, besides his life energy, be alive within her?

            She thought she was going crazy.

            They told her that they might be able to wake him up eventually.  They had put him into stasis; to lay asleep until the day they had the technology to bring him back to her.  She knew that their words were just to sooth her.  There was no way anyone would use the machine to bring him back, ever.  It was too barbaric.  She also knew that the technology needed to bring back life as the machine did, without needing a living source, was far far in her future.  She would be lucky if she lived to see the day that it was invented.  

            And the thought drove her mad.

            For what then?  Have him see her as she would be then?  Old and shriveled, bitter because of all that she had lost?  No, she wouldn't let him see her like that.  She wouldn't let anyone see her like that.  No one.  Not even her best of friends.  And that was why Susan Ivanova had decided to leave.  Had decided to leave to save those she loved from having to see her waste away.  Turn cold in order to protect what was left of her heart and not let anyone else in.  She wouldn't let them see that.  Couldn't let them see what he had done to her.  How frayed the Great Commander could become over a simple thing as death.

            And that was why she had to leave.

~*~

A/N: So, what did you think?  It was probably pretty crappy due to the fact that I haven't watched that show in ages (Even though I have almost every single episode recorded with the exception of 7, I believe).  But regardless, I would love to hear what you thought!


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